I’m So Up And Down And I Love What’s Not Allowed

Ever since hearing the song Mary Mary by Chumbawamba in the film Stigmata, I was immediately hooked by the lyrics.

Mary… No longer a child, loves what’s not allowed, so up and down and not giving a damn about doing everything all over again?

That’s me! The inner me with her years of secrets and therapies. That liberating moment when I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder aka Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, I felt the shackles of uncertainty slip from my wrists.

I felt like dancing in the rain singing along to the rebellious yet accepting lyrics. As though I was justifying my behaviours but really, it was a simple form of release. We all need a release right?

No virgin me
For I have sinned
I sold my soul
For sex and gin
Go call a priest
All meek and mild
And tell him, ‘Mary
Is no more a child.’

It’s raining stones
It’s raining bile
From the luxury
Of your denial
So I don’t deny
I don’t make do
I’ll press alarms
Place bets on truth

I’m so up and down
And I love what’s not allowed
I was lost, now I see:
And now I’m growing old
disgracefully

Whatever happened to Mary?

I’ll spit on floors
And do more drugs
Burn every bill
Get drunk on love
Wear next to nothing
In the pouring rain
Be a bad example
And do it all again

I’ll be uncareful
I’ll cause such scenes
And I’ll never talk
Of used-to-be’s
Tattoo my face
I won’t go grey
Be a dancing queen
I’m growing old disgracefully

I’m so up and down
And I love what’s not allowed
I was lost, now I see:
And now I’m growing old
disgracefully

Whatever happened to Mary?

Mary Mary
Quite contrary

“Mary Mary” by Chumbawamba

© EMI Music Publishing