Is this it? Is this what life’s about? Feeling like I’m on a never ending quest to be heard? Believed? I’m beginning to wonder. My horse has worn out her shoes, my sword is blunt and my shield is buckled beyond recognition. My hero quest has become Game Over. I sound defeated because I almost am. Almost. Save for nuggets of positivity and encouragement pulling me by the hair above the water.
Living with chronic health problems since 1996 has been challenging. One incident has caused a hell of a ripple effect which has continued to bewilder and perplex me to the point that I feel like my concerns fall on either bored or deaf ears.
You have a functional disorder. Oh. This is the final conclusion from my desperate pleas for help regarding a pinched nerve somewhere. A routine CT and EEG had been done but they were standard procedure to monitor my AVM haemorrhagic stroke scarring and epilepsy and to rule out MS which I am grateful for.
Most days I feel like binning my medication and giving everyone a huge FU however…
Every moment of the day I’m trying to cope with torturous fluctuating, often very intense, pins and needles radiating down left leg then right then whole lower back. It’s distracting, nothing eases it and my pleas for help are dismissed as a fucking functional disorder. So my childhood and emotions are being converted into physical manifestations? That’s so 1920s. Seriously.
I have a pinched nerve. It’s not that difficult and why a neurologist would dismiss this is beyond me. Am I judged because of my mental health and previous episodes? Guaranteed that I am which is outrageous.
Recent consultations spew the same verbatim “You’re complicated and are already on a lot of drugs“. Well if something isn’t working, take me off it and of course I’m complicated. The snowball effect has been Hell AND was warned to my family by the neurologist who saved my life, Mr Patrick Francis Xevier Statham at the Edinburgh Western General. A humble warm man we will never forget.
Then there are a few other category problems.
I give up. I’m going to voluntarily lose my mind in films and coffee.
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