I’m feeling lost today, within myself anyway. Obviously I know where I am physically, sat overlooking the tranquil pond above as I enjoy some time to myself. Away from myself. Believe me it’s fucking more than possible and at times, essential.
Yesterday was a son of a glitch. Problem with my tracking. A virus in my machine. I lost all sensation of control and became trashed on a surge of serotonin and cortisol. Throw in adrenaline and too much caffeine. I don’t think that packet of Walkers Quavers had an adverse affect but who knows what the colourant Annatto norbixin does to you. I sat in the garden but the absence of the cheeky chirpy sparrows felt disconcerting. I mindlessly played hit simulation game Stardew Valley all day pausing only for the necessaries. But still, I was as restless as that funny barefoot-on-the-sand incident in Egypt. Like a cat on a hot tin roof.
I tried later to spend time with my husband. I heard his voice, his encouragement, his love and yet I was hellbent on legging it. I’d had it with feeling trapped in my stop/go vortex. As coarse as my tongue is I was a mess of fuck you, fuck this, fuck the house, fuck my health!!!
Cue nighttime. I realised I hadn’t taken my morning medication and may have been psychologically rocked by missing a dose of the mood stabiliser Pregabalin. I settled down with my husband and tried to calm down. But failed to sleep due to monumental stress dreams and this cursed sciatica in both legs.
Imagine feeling like your pelvis and legs are full of nippy buzzing wasps 24/7.
Today is a new day. Is it really? Hasn’t changed anything so that quote is We Heart It BS. I told my head I need to go a walk armed with crisps, water, phone and my essential headphones. I strolled to Brenchley Gardens Cemetery where Honor Oak Crematorium is located. Behind it lies beautiful rose gardens and the tranquility of the pond I photographed above. I love it here!! After regaining my “headspace” writing this I feel much better and will now enjoy a little walk in the sunshine for exercise.
I don’t know why you’re running away, the scars will shape you from the inside
~ The Devil Within by Electric Callboy ~
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