Imagine your mind as an emergency vehicle siren. From around ten minutes after you wake up in the morning you feel a heavy oppression descend over you. No logical explanation other than that your skull contains a screaming siren trapped in a seemingly endless yes/no, stop/go, love/hate cycle. I even repeatedly sing the incredible song Love Hate Love by Alice In Chains.
After the traumatic experience we as a family went through earlier this year (see I Made A Mistake), I haven’t felt the same since. Like a small part of me wasn’t resuscitated. I feel hollow, unsure, annoyed yet extremely determined. Determined to save myself from this knife edge. To show my family I love them and want to keep fighting for my life.
It’s fucking draining living with BPD/EUPD. I feel like a tube of toothpaste with its lid still on being squeezed. The lid really wants to explode but can’t so the pressure within is maintained. My feelings are confused. I only understand them after I’ve opened my mouth or written them down. That’s the only downside to being retrospective.
My chronic pain and other problems are now perceived as emotions rather than physical discomfort. I’m like the character Dexter Morgan with his dark passenger. His flipside quite different from mine of course but not far off! My rants are internalised as is the vast majority of people’s. The dark passenger on me is this endless onslaught of challenging psychology, widespread pain, annoying neurological disorder and my disconcerting but currently stable heart.
Medication and therapy have become an automatic procedure and not a great one either. Essential but not effective. I can’t stop either because despite my perception, they’re working well amidst the wailing of my inner siren. So they ARE effective. See? Yes/no stop/go etc etc infinitely.
Sod it. I’ll have a coffee now and watch another episode of Stranger Things. A retro series where I can enjoy being retrospective.
The psychology behind the red and blue colour scheme of vehicle sirens HERE
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