A couple of days ago I was in my scavenging haven, TK Maxx. When I’m feeling a bit better, I like to get out and a good rummage through every single rail including the red tag clearance section. I mean Dsquared jeans for £20? They had serious damage and were unsellable but I interpreted them as distressed and wear them with another great find, an maroon leather Ed Hardy jacket. A brand that kind of went out of fashion around 2015 but I still wear it and my Love Kills Slowly t-shirt. Remember when Ed Hardy was everywhere?
After a while, a sit down and a Diet Coke I hit the shoe section. And there I saw them, a big delivery of Hi-tec trainers everywhere! I felt very emotional and weepy as I tried the above pair on. I tried to work out why so sat down wearing a trainer and a sandal.
I last wore this brand from the late 80s into the early 90s, when I was at primary and secondary school and full of excitement and life. I lived in a great part of Scotland surrounded by fun friends and family and each day was an adventure in one way or another. I was really carefree and danced to the beat of my own drum. Unaware of the arterio-venous malformation in my head!
Happy, innocent times. It was much retrospective thinking about that which triggered an emotional response. I think it was sheer joy. So I had to treat myself to the trainers above.
After the tragic incident with the opiates back in February I’m now trying so hard to be thankful for each day and look after myself. I want to keep my mental health as stabilised as possible and look forward to doing things with my husband, family and friends. People who are there for me and I need to remind myself of that each day. I’ve cheated death yet again and now have to be as positive as possible without resorting to the awful empty clichéd quotes I read which have never been something I’ve been able to connect with.
A self-referral was made to a wonderful organisation called The Listening Place (details in link). A deep level face to face talking platform for people who struggle with suicidal ideations. I’ve been assessed and start seven sessions this Sunday. There is help out there for people whom the pretty superficial CBT is ineffective for. You are free to talk about anything you wish without fear of judgement, being reported or being referred elsewhere. It’s completely neutral with trained volunteers, these people are incredible to be offering vital support.
I’m taking retro steps to get the help I need in my happy memory Hi-tec Silver Shadow trainers.
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