How Do You View Yourself?

I used to think I was this really dark, morbid, gore whore horror junkie until I realised evidence against it. Okay yes I love morbid things and horror films but I don’t exactly lurk in the shadows. One facet of you as a person is not the basis to sum yourself up as a whole. After a trip to my native Scotland last year and a lengthy session on Facebook on the evening after a beautiful day out, I was struck by a sudden warmth. I’m certainly not this dark character. What exactly, I can’t surmise.

I used to pigeonhole myself on Twitter as that’s how the site operates. But I felt the lack of variation quite uncomfortable. Post a happy holiday photo and lose following, very strange. Can’t people express personal joy amongst the random GIFs and film posters? I had fun within the confines of a self-created social box but ultimately was glad to delete my account for personal reasons.

With having BPD and a longstanding problem with self identity, these single subject arenas weren’t healthy for my mood and wellbeing. They bound me to the dark side so I wasn’t flourishing. Flattered, yes, but like a bird with her wings tied down it amplified depression and unhealthy thoughts. “Fuck that”, said the foul-mouthed, childlike bird as she ruffled her feathers trying to shake out that negativity.

Using Facebook that evening made me identify that all the people I’m connected with from various sources expand social conversation with multiple subjects not just based on one common interest. We talk feelings, laughter, holidays, films, quotes, days out etc etc. I’m free from my pigeonhole and can spread my wings and soar. From family to friends I’ve been blessed to still be in contact with, Facebook is a beautiful arena unfairly demonised. These people are aware of my struggles and are extremely supportive and vice versa. My mood and thoughts are sustained along a simmering trajectory. Obviously I’m ready to suddenly boil over due to triggers but that’s when I close the app.

My sense of self is slowly blossoming into a loving red rose. A cliche but as I’ve stated before I’m a rose who’s aware of her thorns. I don’t lurk in the shadows nor am I an eternally sunny delight. I skip across all colours of the rainbow and am slowly feeling a sense of who I am. It’s taken me the wrong side of forty years to do so but my mental health problems have caused constant hurdles.

By the way, as for Pinterest, well! As a desperate troll creatively put it: “I’m a lesbian necrophiliac who needs to be shot or drowned in the nearest canal”. He/She obviously can’t deal with the concept of delighting in multiple art forms and needs to have a word with themselves. Pinterest, for me, is a digital scrapbook that’s really relaxing and my imagination is like a fireworks display exploding random images. Yet it’s amusing that a within a limited arena there can be criticism and the polar opposite, likewise. I better keep off We Heart It, ha ha!!

Whatever your social pleasure, as long as those who matter has the joy to know the real you, that’s all that matters isn’t it?

© Copyright: Sharon Lawson™