Invasive Thoughts

The following poem was written while I was in a good mood despite it’s dark content. It describes my trouble with invasive thought/suicidal ideations which have been a part of my complicated psychology since I was very young. I’ll suddenly get an avalanche of lust for death and Google (yet again) copious amounts of “How To…” sites I’ve Googled many times before. But thanks to the constant in my life, be it my husband, family or friends, their love keeps me going. In therapy I said during these awful moments I’ll think of what happens if you screw methods up as opposed to finding out the hard way. My song choice is a beautiful cover by Selena Gomez and fits perfectly.

Thoughts grating against my skull
Imagination prepping for the kill
Hands cocked ready
My eyes blankly aiming
But how can I fire

Drugs fuck you up
Blades cause paralysis
Trainspotters rescue you
Vehicles slow down
Guns are hard to get
But ready, aim, brain damage
Try as you can but
Drowning in tears won’t work

Close the drawer
Lock the door
Shut down Google
My love…
There and oblivious
Until slowly I cling to him
I dry my eyes at sunset
And see a new sunrise