Today I’m A Traffic Light

Life isn’t all positivity, wonder and joy and to read such gives a false impression. Sometimes we have days where we completely contradict ourselves and all that we’ve strived hard to work towards. In the blink of an eye, everything can change. That’s the experience of living on the borderline. Waking up really happy then it’s moody traffic lights all day. Red, amber, green, red, green, amber then all three bulbs blow at once. Then I go to bed and hug my husband and guinea pigs all at once.

Even in the darkest sky there is always a lone star reminding you of the light

The deepest blackest depths of the ocean lurk incredible creatures with bio-luminescence

Far horizons show promise of destiny

Yawn… Yes, it’s one of those days today. Mantra book that you buy in Bargain Books day! Quoting myself to death day. Whatever, it helps me cope.

Those cliched mantras have helped keep my eyes focused on the bullseye but occasionaly the bullseye can be soiled by bullshit.

I am not perfect. Definitely fallen a fucking long way since Eve partook of the Tree of Knowledge. “The Devil made me do it”, no Satan is the scapegoat. You did it, you chose to thanks to free will and choice. You’re not a brainless fruitcake and you screwed it up for humanity. Blaming the darkest entity on arson and ecstasy pills? “Hell if I know what E’s are!”, exclaimed Lucifer. Ah, I see what I did there.

Videogames made me run at high speed stealing rings and bouncing off animals. Horror movies made me pack a nail gun in my bag in case of zombie attack in the shopping centre. Playing The Frog Song by Paul McCartney backwards made me actually understand the instructions for that IKEA shelf. Animal sacrifice has given me enough pelts for… Okay, I won’t go there.

Sometimes I feel I’m going madder than the “twinkle twinkle little bat” reciting Dormouse in Alice in Wonderland. Like I’m sat in Silent Hill’s Alchemilla General Hospital on Koontz Street. Oh I finally see it, Cunts Street. Funny. I have days where I feel placid and calm, feeling thankful for everything I have been blessed with then other days I see nothing but everything that’s negative. On those days I feel like a pinball in a pinball machine, my head slamming off every surface possible whilst wishing the timer would run out. Ms. Pac-Man trapped in an eternal maze chase running out of Power Pellets hoping someone would trip over the plug on the arcade unit. Having a nightmare with those barrels in Donkey Kong Country. I see my destiny but can’t quite get there because of ruthless obstacles and simply feeling emotionally everything-is-shite-I-want-to-go-to-bed.

Its certainly a nuisance feeling like a traffic light with epilepsy but right in this moment now, I’m flashing amber, good to go!

© Copyright: Sharon Lawson™